Confessions
Wave 909
Sunday
The 11th of May, 2008 at 08:38 AM
I spent Mother's Day morning walking. I needed to be alone. I walked to Colby Lake. The changes in the trees and the air was nothing short of heavenly. I listened as the wind weaved in and out of the trees and watched the waves clap across the shore. Birds spoke their minds as I causally passed by, and egrets stood majestically at the edge of the water, balanced, at peace. I stopped at a clearing to admire the beauty of it all as the wind hit my face. Every blade of grass, every rolling wave, perfect by design. Perfect.
Admist all this beauty, I felt imperfect. Designed broken, destructive, and hurtful. I know I was born this way because every one is.
I've been meaning to write some of my confessions for a long time. But I held them back, not knowing that it was hurting me all the while. If anything they are embarassing and a source of ridicule. However, they are the nature of my brokeness, the nature of my humanity.
I have extraordinary troubles with my self-image. Many find it a joke when I joke around about my weight. But when I weigh myself every day, I don't find it funny. I am not overweight, I am fine the way I am... but my mind tells me otherwise. I want to lose weight, I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel attractive.
And what's even more unattractive is hairloss. I started losing my hair when I started vet school. It only became apparent to me when I saw pictures from family vacations and trips. The back of my head glaring as the rest of the picture fell silent. I tried Rogaine for several years, in fact I tried it up to a few months ago. It doesn't work, I don't recommend it. Someday I will get a hair transplant. Then someday I will realize that this is normal. That it is nothing to be ashamed about, that people should love me for the way I am and not the way I look. Until that day, I will still worry about it.
I used to think that a bare chest was sexy. I would shave my chest once, twice, maybe even three times a week. People knew that about me, I knew they knew but it didn't stop me. I was laughed it. It felt horrible. Sometimes I wish some of that hair would stop growing on my chest, and that it would grow on my head. I still wish that. What I didn't realize was that people loved me for what was within my chest... not what was on it, or wasn't.
And lastly, I've dealt with a particular sin for a long time. Lust. Up until recently, I didn't realize why it had such a grip on me at times. Sin is addicting. Everyone struggles with sin, whether they choose to or not. I tried so hard and in so many different ways to relieve myself of my sin, but I couldn't do it on my own. It hurt my family, my friends, and my significant others, and I felt powerless when trying to control it. I didn't realize until Saturday morning, that the solution was simple. God.
We are born sinful. Just look at underdeveloped countries and all the sin that occurs on a daily basis. What separates them from us? A better upbringing, a good school system, the law? I recently finished a book called Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. I don't read books, but I finished this one in two days. I have never felt so exposed reading a book. He has an extraordinary ability to write about God in such a primitive prose. I was able to identify with him. He writes, almost everyone goes over the speed limit when driving but when a cop is present they slow down. He simply puts that we inherently are sinful unless someone is watching us. Isn't that the truth?
Satan is here. He is in us, pushing us, prodding us, trying to steal us away from our Father. He finds our weaknesses and manipulates us. Mine is my self-image and trying to find happiness in emptiness. He wants to hurt us and in return wants us to hurt the ones we love.
We have all done it. There is only one way to escape it. God.
God always loves us. Jesus did not like the rich, the snotty, or the proud. He loved the sinners, the prostitutes, the poor. He loved us.
All God asks of us, is to come to him. He loves us for the way we are. Broken. He can heal us, he can change us. He is amazing and his power is unimaginable.
I know God loves me just as he loves everyone of you. I know through Him my sins can be forgiven. I want His love, so I can love like He loves. I can't imagine anything more beautiful.
I pray that someday, God will step into your life. I pray that He will show you the meaning of love. I pray that He will tell you everything is going to be okay, and that you are saved from this world. I pray for this, all to His name, Amen.
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