Confused

A ripple for every moment

Water smashed against a windshield, a hundred directions are revealed. Twisting and turning across the glass, drops moving about in varying mass. Liquid reproduction and honorable cooperation, to reach the outer limits of the crystal foundation. Disorder and a spontaneous design, convinces ambition to resign.

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This journal entry has been tagged with:

• New Year's Resolutions
• Emotions
• Solutions
• Kellie

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The third week of the new year began, one week into school. Martin Luther King day kept me well-rested and academically relaxed. It was then when I realized what I wanted from myself this year.

My general predispostion lends itself to self-consciousness. Strange faces bring out a side close friends never see. Close friends see something that is both overwhelming and sometimes even aggravating. A couple years ago I made a promise to myself that I would relieve my anxiety by sharing my thoughts and feelings with the people in my life. I spent most of my life prior to this promise adding more and more wood to a growing fire inside my heart. Eventually, I burned myself and had noone to help me extinguish the flamey aftermath. My life found itself aching to be heard by someone other than myself.

So I started talking; my mouth sometimes getting ahead of my thoughts, sometimes even without a coherent moral in mind. I felt that if I was sharing my life with someone, I was showing them that they were somebody to me. I wouldn't go telling just anyone all my secrets and my stories unless they were a person I cared about and trusted.

This idea worked for quite a long time with subtle flaws, until recently...What good are words if there are no emotion attached to them?

Granted, some of the things I talk about are rather emotional. But I can be emotionally solid to the point where my words don't carry the weight with which I have given them. I usually don't get emotional, I think it's a defensive tactic I developed so I don't get hurt. I'm going to try to just let go this year. Bring weight back to my words and heart to my actions. Otherwise I'm wasting my breath and hiding my heart.

An interesting conversation ensued after class early this week, a conversation of chemistry and science. My professor was debating with a student on the concentration of a solution. He contended that if you have a small volume of solution which is very concentrated and you add water to it, you will have a more dilute solution with the same amount of sediment (salt for instance). Taken a different way, if you added more sediment to the solution without adding water, it will be more concentrated. This delightful discussion reminded me of one I had with Kellie about spaghetti sauce. The more you add to it the more concentrated (thicker) it will become. My professor went on about how urine is a solution as a light bulb turned on in my head. Life is a solution. If you add something of value to it, it will become richer and more meaningful. Otherwise, you are just adding water.

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