Confused

A ripple for every moment

Water smashed against a windshield, a hundred directions are revealed. Twisting and turning across the glass, drops moving about in varying mass. Liquid reproduction and honorable cooperation, to reach the outer limits of the crystal foundation. Disorder and a spontaneous design, convinces ambition to resign.

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This journal entry has been tagged with:

• 10 Commandments
• Lying
• Relationships
• Pastor Ben
• Jill
• Change
• Girls

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What do I do the night before a test? I go out with Jill and have some fun. Yeah, I know it is a poor way to get a good grade, but it was exactly what I needed. I found out things I rather not, but it's ok and I'm ok. This weekend I got nothing done I wanted to do, so I'm going to try to do those things tonight.

Pastor Ben spoke to my heart this sunday. We are on the eighth commandment, do not bear false witness against your neighbor. In short, don't lie. All of you should know, this is something I hold close to my heart. If you aren't being honest, you aren't being you. So, I just am. Honesty is important.

And Ben put it perfectly when he said, "What is the result of lying? What is the ultimate result? Lost trust, damaged relationship. " Then Ben continued in some examples, and every word felt like he was talking right to me, "I mean, it's from the littlest things... Think about someone you are intimately close with, what happens if you catch them in a lie. What does it feel like if your're caught in one? Yeah, there's something deeper isn't there? Man that's like, ouch. Just for me, I feel like a knife just twisted. Like, 'Oh yeah, I remember.' I think this commandment is more about relationships, than it is about loose words. So much more about honoring the relationships and the way God has established things, then it is about the words that we use. We do it so unintentionally, we hurt each other. My son, Nate, it's this goofy thing, he won't let me leave the house unless I stop in front of the house in the car, wave, blow him kisses and catch his. If I don't do all three of those, I'll be five seconds down the road and I get a phone call, 'Daddy! You didn't blah blah blah.' Or the worst is when I'm just in a hurry. For him, it's silly and trivial, but it crushes his heart. Crushes him. We do it unintentionally. Parents you do this to your kids without even thinking, think of all the promises you've made. Think of the promises that you made to other people that you just forgot. There is something deep and hurting in a lie."

I know we've all felt that before. 91% of people say that they lie about things, from important to trivial things. Why? Do you know how those people feel when they find out, when everything you say is fake... It doesn't feel good. So why do we do it?

Surprise. I feel like I'm an awesome friend. I go out of my way to surprise people when they are having bad days. I'm always available for you guys. Just know that. I'm thinking about all of you. I just wish that someday someone will surprise me.

I went to Let's Dish last night with Jill. We had loads of fun. I didn't know quite what to expect going there, but I enjoyed myself. I caught Jill up with my recent life, which hasn't been too eventful but doesn't mean it isn't important. I don't know if it was the wine talking, or if it was me... but I told her that I've asked out four girls. It didn't work with any of them, and they had a wide range of personalities.

I told her that I felt like there was something wrong with me. I know better than that, but I need a reason ya know. So everytime it didn't work out, I "corrected" myself by changing something about me. Whether it was changing the way I write, growing a goatee, writing songs or changing the way I express myself... I always found a way to do something different, something I saw as more desirable. I didn't change to be someone different, I changed to be the person I'm destined to be. 

But then there are the girls that wanted to go out with me but I didn't want to go out with them. I know exactly how they feel, but I couldn't see myself with them. It's hard when you are on the other end too....

So.... I've seen both hands, and I didn't like the cards, I rather not play at all, I rather fold. But... I'm too good to quit. I know that someday, someday someone will call me.

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