Worried

A ripple for every moment

Scattered thoughts, broken words. Nothing said, nothing heard. Troubled water in disbelief; finds no direction, finds no relief. Nervous and afraid, quivering thoughts. Trapped on a leaf, lost and distraught. Flurries of confusion and flurries of blurry; from a storm of conscience, a storm of worry.

Journal Tags

This journal entry has been tagged with:

• The Blue Shallow
• Friendship
• Best Friend
• Jill
• Work
• Frustration
• Anger
• Affair
• Lie
• Relationships

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Wow. I can't believe I'm doing this right now, but I am. So here it goes.

Welcome to the Blue Shallow. It's a beautiful portrayal of the life of a second year vet student whose name is John. For all you first-time visitors out there, you should be happy to know that this website has been here for almost four years. Almost all of my life is here before your eyes, open to the general public 24 hours a day... seven days a week. And by almost all of it, I mean almost.

So let's explain this little thing we have here. I keep an online journal. Every once and awhile I post about things that are going on in my life. I try to stay away from the hour-by-hour account and head towards something more meaningful. Something my visitors can pull away. Unfortunately, I feel like they have been pulling away the wrong things. That is why I am here today, to write one more delightful post.

Recent news shows that people are upset at work. Something I've wanted to do for a long time was explain myself to everyone. However, I felt an explanation was unnecessary. I felt people understood but they did not.

For people who are actually close to me, here is a question. Who is my best friend? If you answered Jill, you are correct. I told her that she was my best friend back in February of this year.

I had been through alot at that point in my life. My grandma had passed away, I had been rejected twice in a year, and for some reason my best friend at the time stopped talking to me. And that was hard, I needed someone to talk to.. and I had no one. I have moved back and forth between best friends for awhile, but I found one, one I don't want to lose.

By definition, a friend is someone "whom one knows, likes, and trusts." If you ask me, I would tell you it is someone you trust. Someone who never judges you, always listens, and has an open heart. And if the feeling is not mutual, you can't be best friends. Jill is someone I trust, who understands me, and I care about her like any best friend should. And I know she feels the same way.

Last time I checked, a friend doesn't have to be the same sex. Nor did it say, the person cannot be married, cannot have kids, is older... etc. A friend is someone you trust... who will laugh when you fall down but help you back up, who will take a bullet for you or even die for you.

One thing must be understood about Jill. She loves her husband more than all the world. They are meant for each other, a perfect match. Mark is an awesome guy and an awesome friend. I haven't had the chance to see him lately due to everything that is going on... but he is hilarious. I love that guy. I thank him so much for all his help with my speakers, his advice, and his understanding. I never interfered with their marriage, and I never will. They both know that, I know that. People joke about it, and I guess now... people believe it.

I guess that is why I'm angry. People come here and read my site... and they think they know me. The person you know is the one you see everyday. I told you I don't post everything about my life on here. I make subtle hints you wouldn't even pick up if you read it everyday for the past four years.

If you want to know something about me, get your facts right. Ask me in person, don't just sit down and read this. Too much gossip already spreads like black plague out our mouths. Why do you care so much anyways? Why do you even care that my best friend is married, has a child, and is female. I love that girl, no matter what anyone thinks.

I never used to care what others thought about me. Why should I have to worry about rumors and gossip. I know what Jill and I are, so it shouldn't matter right? I didn't think so, but things are getting complicated.

So I decided to throw this out there for everyone. I don't mean to be mean or cruel. I only post the truth. I am not afraid of anything and I'm not hiding. I really did not want to digress from being professional about this, but I've said in the past (http://www.blueshallow.com/day.php?id=663) that personal life and work can't be separate. Now it is just hitting too close to home.

I guess if you really wanted something to talk about, I guess I can give you some gossip material. I've met an awesome girl. She lights up my day and brings a smile to my face. We've been dating for three weeks. At least I hope we have :) . I like her, I really do. And if you found out about this here, don't even bother asking me about it.

All my good friends know, I haven't told a lie in years. If you ask me straight-up what is going on, I will tell you. You don't need to come here to know me. I really am disappointed how all of this came around. Why do people always try to ruin something so beautiful? Something Jill and Mark have created. Something Jill and I created. And anything else in the world. All I have to say is, shame on you.

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